The darkest place

I was bullied, minepulated and abused, like a teenager, same threat and treatment. And I was fighting again by crying and getting angry to pay back. The darkest time came back exactly the way it was over ten years ago, and my reaction was the same,like a child. I m at the darkest place, it is like a deep hole I trapped in, and there is no one could hear me and give me a hand, there is no way out, and it becomes darker and darker, deeper and deeper. Hopelessness and helplessness made me want to die. The enemy feeds me whatever he can to crush me, hurt me and destroy me. I want the Lord to take my life immediately so I could feel no pain, no fear, no bitterness, no self-pity. I want to run, far far away, like 10 years ago. I want to avoid the pain and never ever see it again. And I did. I thought it’s gone But now the exact same feeling crawling onto me without any effort.  I m older, I gained a few diplomas and hornors, I suffered along the way, this specific pain is still there, this specific sin is there to anticipate at any time and at any cost for only one motivation- depress me and destroy me.

I timelessly come to Jesus moments by moments, to ask why, to understand the purpose of this particular pain and suffer, to ask for help, healing, restoration, forgiveness, growing of faith, to make a difference but run away with bitterness and anger. I realize how much I need Jesus, I am alone, completely. I am lonely and isolated, I feel abandoned and absence of the Holy Spirit. All I can think is how ugly and evil my sins are. However, at the same time I can relate how my little uncle experienced the same bully and suffered but not be able to say a word; I can relate how my sister felt many times when she went to despair and I had no idea how she was suffering; lastly I can somehow imagine how Jesus suffered it all, by Himself and how He endured and endured and still embraced God’s will to die for us. Jesus is my only friend who understands and able to touch my wound from the deeper area that no one is able to reach and heal.

I opened my phone and I saw this specific verse “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” And I read it again in my own flash cards by accident. Is it really accident? What does that mean? I know God is talking to me, He is comforting me, even though I don’t feel it and don’t understand how, I know He is watching over me and He does care for me. The power of the verse is upon me. He knows my name and died for my sin. He adopted me while I m an absolute sinner inside and out, He washes me and teaches me His ways, He leads me to the “spring water”. He s gone before me, to give me hope and future. I will put all my trust in Him for He is my shepherd and Heavenly Father.

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed,for I am your God; I will strength you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I m thankful you are my God and you never forsake me, I m thankful this problem is exposed in this way and I long for your healing over it, I m thankful to feel you personally, I m thankful you use this to teach me how to talk to myself instead of solely listening to myself. I m thankful I now have a deep understanding how powerful your words are, they are truly alive. I m thankful for who you are and what you have done Jesus. Come to me more as I m yours and you are mine forever. Cleanse me and teach me to honor you, to obey you and to love you whole heartily.